Friday, January 6, 2012

Sunday, January 6th, 1974

No movie again today! I was so bored that I just sat around watching TV and reading all day.

Today, that feeling hit me again--that feeling of a need just to feel real affection. I hope something happens soon.

NOTES: The desire for affection that I felt so strongly here surprises me. Oddly enough, I am not an incredibly affectionate person. Never have been. Eventually  I learned to hug but overall someone touching me makes me extremely self-conscious and as far as touching someone else, I always feel even now that I'm running the risk of offending them or violating a boundary. It doesn't help that I had one friend throughout most of the past decade who jerked away and acted as though I had turned into a monster if I so much as accidentally brushed up against her while we were walking together. 

I wanted a girlfriend...more than anything in the world, I wanted a girlfriend...but even then, it seems like I was leery of the basic concept for fear of "why would anyone ever want to show affection to me?" In my mind, I saw myself as the brainy fat kid with glasses, acne and prematurely greying hair. Why would anyone want to show affection to me? Sigh...

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